I’ve decided to run for president.

Come on - everyone else is.

All I have to do is outsmart Obama and outlive McCain.

My platform? Health care for every American!

Right now you are shaking your head and asking,” What the h#@&?”

But, stick with me here …

Some Americans have health care coverage through their companies, which they can get for only $12,980 a month. That’s only for an individual policy - to add a family is $99,087 a month. The problem with these types of company-based insurance plans comes into play whenever the consumer tries to file an actual claim.

Insurance companies hate that.

Just send the premium, dammit.

What Viv might look like in jail

Let’s say, for example, you have a gaping chest wound after falling from a stepladder onto a garden rake you left prongs-up in the driveway, or that you were just stabbed at a party after getting caught helping the host’s spouse “make the bed,” whatever … the average insurance company will immediately reject any claims for sutures, anesthesia, an operating room or a doctor, because these items are “cosmetic,” and not really necessary.

However, lacking any sense of logic, they will sometimes pay for the quart of whiskey you down to kill the pain.

Here’s my plan:

Since a member of the military or a member of the penal system gets free health care, the best way to get a comprehensive health care plan is to join the Marines or get thrown in jail.

Joining the military requires hard work, dedication, excruciating fitness routines, going weeks without sleep, getting harassed and being intimidated, being tough, eating bad mess hall chow and being brave, not to mention putting your life on the line.

Getting thrown in jail just takes drinking one too many Bud Lites and then urinating in public.

You decide.

Be careful though, when picking your health care crime. Some hard-core felonies require a minimum sentence of 20 years. You don’t want that. You’ll be dead in less than 20 years from whatever illness landed you there in the first place. Don’t overkill, so to speak.

The trick is to incorporate a wellness prison plan that fits your lifestyle and your predisposition to diabetes, heart disease or ingrown hairs in your ears.

Let’s say a person has a diseased gall bladder that needs to come out within the next three months, and minimum medical costs are somewhere around $12,000. Or, with “cosmetic” anesthesia - $15,000.
With careful planning - and no prior adult criminal history - there are a number of crimes that will net you three months in the slammer - time not only for the operation, but the recovery, as well.

A good gall bladder health plan consists of combining public intoxication with resisting law enforcement.

If you are squeaky clean, though, you run the chance of being let off the hook with no jail time and only a year of probation. People in that category will have to commit additional crimes of say, possession of paraphernalia (go ahead, dig out that old bong from the 70’s) and/or child endangerment (or have your 14-year-old dig it out).

I am on the cancer plan.

Having been diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago, I already know that the only two things my insurance company covers in the event of any kind of cancer are the casket and the wreath.

A better bet would be for me to go with the 6-8 year prison wellness plan (PWP as opposed to PHP).

The second I feel a lump, I will be carjacking that brand new 2008 Chrysler Town & Country limited front-wheel drive LWB passenger van my neighbor is tooling around in.

And because I have a clean record, I will fill up the gas tank soon thereafter and go for a quick “drive-off.”

Those are Class B and Class D felonies, which, according to Indiana law, are punishable by 6-20 years and three months to 6 years, respectively.

Enough time for chemo and radiation and to make those quilts I promised the kids years ago.

(Viv Sade is a writer and reporter. Her long list of former friends now include those who work in the insurance industry.)