I have perfected a technique for raising children called Post It parenting.

Throughout all four of my childrens’ upbringing, I was raising them by the “letter” or, in my case - letters. During the last several years - when my youngest two were teens - I was a single parent working two jobs, and we often communicated with notes left on the kitchen table. During the summer months - when the kids were home from school - those notes became epic novels.

Boys,

Keep the house clean. Don’t leave. All towels are MIA. FIND THEM and put them in the washer. All of the drinking glasses and cups are missing. FIND THEM and wash them and put them in the cupboard. See if Grandma needs her lawn mowed. If you mow it, don’t take any money for doing it. Has anyone seen my CD player? It’s missing. Love you guys. Be good. Be respectful. Stay home.

Mom

P.S. Warning: Threat ahead … find all towels and glasses or no allowances this week!

Mom,

I HAD to leave cause the guys were jammin at Steve-O’s. I gotta be there. They need a bass player. There are no towels in my room. There may be some in the trunk of my car. I’ll check later. All the glasses from my room are in the sink. Ben has the rest in his room. He has all the towels too, I think. Had no time to wash the dishes cause we’re jammin. Can I borrow $10 for gas? I’ll pay you back when I get paid. Promise. Love you,

Chris

P.S. I think Ben took your CD player. He always takes my stuff. He’s dumm.

Mom,

I mowed Grandma’s lawn, so I didn’t have time to get the towels and glasses. Chris didn’t do anything. He’s lazy. And dummer. I do everything. A bunch of us are going to Hooters cause we don’t have to be 21 to eat the wings. Can I have $10 for the wings? I’ll pay you back. Promise. I think your CD player is at Harpo’s house. I didn’t take it there. Chris probably did.

Ben

P.S. Grandma MADE me take $10.

Boys,

Chris - Get those towels out of your car!! No jammin with Steve-O until your room is clean enough to eat off of the floor - okay, clean enough that you can at least SEE the floor. And don’t take the amps outside when you jam, because the neighbors will call the cops again. If you’re going to call someone dumb, learn how to spell it. Better yet, learn how to spell it, but don’t call anyone that.

Ben - Stop taking my white socks!! And it’s d-u-m-b-e-r. Speaking of dumb, no going to Hooters. The buffalo wings - among other things - are not real. Why, pray tell, does Harpo have my CD player? Get it back! And give that $10 back to Grandma!

Love you guys. Be careful. Stay home. Be good. Be respectful.

Mom

Mom,

Can I go to the Diseased Tongues & Lips concert in Chicago Sunday? I’ll clean my room. Promise. Can I borrow $65 for the ticket? I’ll pay you back. Promise. All the towels are back in the bathroom. Also, I need gas money for the trip. Please? I love you. A bunch of us are going, but not Ben or his friends. They’re not DUMB - they are stupid.

Chris

Mom,

All my socks are gone. Chris stole them. He’s a BUT! Went to Hooter’s. Kidding. HA HA  I HAD to leave and go watch Beavis and Buthead with Harpo and Mel. Took $2 out of change jar. I’ll pay you back. Promise. I need to practice pairahell parking for my driver’s license test. Tomorrow? Did you hid the pop? Where? Love,

Ben

Boys,

Chris - CHICAGO?! Are you crazy? Don’t call your brother stupid. And for $65 a ticket shouldn’t it be Stix instead of the Dead Lips & Taste Buds or whoever? We’ll talk about this later, but I think … NOT. If you have Ben’s socks, give them back. He’s resorted to stealing mine. Do your own laundry. Feed the cat.  Love you. Be good.

Ben - Butt has two t’s, BUT don’t call your brother a butt. I hide the pop so you don’t drink a case every day. Look up the meaning of “hide” in the Webster’s. Is Mel a girl? Remember, no dating until you are 16. Stay away from the money jar and from Mel if it’s a girl. We’ll talk more about the dangers of parking when you practice PARALLEL parking tomorrow. Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful. Love,

Mom

Mom,

Stix who? If you are going to call people sticks, learn how to spell it. I can drive to Chicago. I got a map. I will be 18 next month and you were married and having a baby when you were 18, so I should be able to go to a concert. Please? I’ll be good. And respectful. I will take Ben and his weeny friends. I won’t have a baby or get married. Can I borrow $20 for gas? I think Ben stole my money. I’ll pay you back. Promise. Love,

Chris

Mom,

Chris stole my new CD. I was going to listen to it on your CD player at Harpo’s, but it’s GONE! He’s a BUTT with two T’s. Mel is a guy. Harpo is a girl. HA Kidding. I found the pop in the dryer when I was looking for some towels. I only drank two, but Chris drank all the rest. I have to leave and go to the mall. I’ll be good. Who’s Webster? Love,

Ben

Boys,

The house is a disaster! Stay home and clean it! I mean it! Feed the cat, too.

Chris - I was married and having a baby, but I was three weeks shy of turning 19 and I was never allowed to drive to a concert in Chicago. Gas money? Where’s your check? Don’t you already owe me? We’ll talk about this later. Love ya.

Ben - I found your new CD - the one you accused your brother of stealing - in my sock drawer! Someone drank ALL of the pop. Saying butt with two t’s makes it no less offensive. You need to be more responsible. Look up responsible in the Webster’s in your remedial summer school class. Love ya.

Mom

P.S. Keep the house clean. Stay home. Be good. Be respectful We’re out of glasses and towels again. Find them! Wash them!

(Viv Sade is a writer and reporter and the 2007 winner of Best Personal Column in the daily newspaper division from Hoosier State Press Association. She often spends entire days pondering the hives-less and nervous tic-free lifestyle of her childless friends.)