(Warning: This is the Web! Full of vile and disgusting stuff. Turn back now if you are offended by the words ass, politician, uterus,Tijuana, titmouse, betcha, Republican, cabbagehead, betcha ass or Democrat.)

The day after John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, my brother asked me why I was not running for vice president.

After all, he said:

By Viv Sade

1) I have more local government experience (three terms on a town council),

2) I have just as many skeletons in the closet. You betcha. (wink)

3) I too, think Iran and Iraq are the same country.

4) I was once, for a few months, an unwed pregnant teenager.

5) I have just as much foreign policy diplomacy experience if we can count that drunken overnight trip to Tijuana, Mexico in 1971, - which by the way, was unrelated to #4 - but, most importantly …

6) Can I skin an elk?

Sure, I have been known to blow off some mommy stress and shoot up some s$#! with an assault rifle, but who has not?

Well, geesh, that got me to thinking, I am a staunch Obama supporter, but hey, it’s hard staying afloat on this Obama island in Red Whitley County.

Should I rethink my vote? After all - as one female acquaintance of mine pointed out - Palin and I both have uteruses.

Is uteruses a word?

So, now I’m expected to vote for uteruses? Doesn’t that mean if I vote for a man, I’m voting for —-s?

Does that mean there are people in America actually voting genitalia over qualifications?

Shouldn’t we all be very, very scared?

Although, I do have four kids, a pair of wireless glasses, and tend to wear my hair in a messy updo that looks like a busy soccer mom, a la Palin. I’m not a busy soccer mom - I’m a lazy and poor mom.

Got the messy updo - now where do I find a pair of those black suede boots?

The difference is Palin doesn’t have time to go to the hairdresser -whereas I don’t have the money. Which throws me back in the Obama Camp, where - if he wins - Obama has promised to take Paris Hilton’s cash and redistribute it to me and my hairdresser and buy me a new do and my hairdresser a new curing iron. We can’t wait.

This debacle of an election and politics of fear have made Americans crazy.

Winston Churchill had this to say about elections: “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Jerry Seinfeld had this to say: “People - they’re the worst.”

Both were correct.

We’ve got everyday people - intelligent people - who go all wacko every four years during a presidential election.

A woman told me in confidence the other day that if I don’t vote for a particular candidate, … blah, blah, blah … well, I’m not sure what she said - I quit listening after she said something about angry stemcells collecting weapons of mass destruction - but this is what I heard: “a throng of same-sex Socialist aliens armed with assault rifles will move into my upstairs where they will drill for oil and take over our lives, taxing our underwear, double-taxing naughty underwear, forcing us to buy worthless stock with our unemployment checks and making us drink processed fossil fuels until the ice caps melt and we all drown in a sea of disgraced Republicans, demoralized Democrats, skinned Alaskan elk, discarded SUVs and dying, but still arrogant oil barons …”

Or something like that.

All this has raised some serious questions that everyone needs to ask before going to the polls Tuesday.

Maybe not quite as many skeletons in the closet as Palin, but there was that one night with the King.

Questions like:

Am I voting for the candidate of my choice or the choice of my candidate?

Or the choice of my candidate’s choice?

And is my choice the candidate of choice?

Or even the choicest candidate?

Does my candidate have a uterus or … Yikes! … something else?

Where can I get a pair of those kick-@$$ black suede boots Palin wears on the campaign trail?
Or, will Barack take the boots from Gloria Vanderbilt’s feet and give them to me if he wins?

Is Cindy McCain a freshly-manufactured Stepford Wife?

Is Barack Obama’s father really Darth Vader?

Did Sarah Palin name her children - Piper, Track, Willow, Trig and Bristol - while still under the influence of birth-giving, mind-enhancing Demerol?

If elected vice president, I would give everyone one meeellion dollars.

If she has more, will they be named Ceilingtile, Betcha, Obgyn (pronounced like R2D2), Cellulite or Wink?

If McCain and Joe the Plumber are traveling in Air Force One from Washington, D.C. to Los Angeles, Calif., how many hours until Joe loses his 15 minutes of fame?

If Delaware separates from the Continental shelf and floats into the Atlantic because of some unknown fault line, will Joe Biden still have his gig as senator?

Did Obama really stack wooden blocks with a Turkish toddler terrorist when they were both two-years-old and attending the Hawaiian Preschool for Future Leaders?

It’s getting so ridiculous on Capitol Hill that the only vote that would bring some kind of relief is Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

But as a lifetime member of Hope-A-Holics Anonymous, I’m not giving up on the system just yet. I’m tough and have been through tougher times.

And, I’m pretty sure I could skin an elk.

The question is, why would I want to?