Dude here.

It’s time for me to come out of the closet.  I’ve been living a lie, dear readers, hiding a dark secret that even some of those closest to me don’t know.  Oh sure, my immediate family’s been aware of it for quite sometime.  It was only a matter of time before they caught on, considering the numerous glistening, chiseled men sweating and strutting through the living room every week in their tight pants.  (Sometimes I go to the bar to see them, but since I have children it’s so much easier just to do it at home.)  I’m not sure how it happened, but I think maybe I was born this way.  Yes, as you’ve probably surmised by now, I’m a pro wrestling fan.

I’m joking about it, but there is still a stigma attached to a 35-year-old pro wrestling fan, even if there’s evidence that he has had sex a couple times (see aforementioned children).  I think that’s because most people still think of pro wrestling in terms of the 1970s, where 350 lb. hairy mounds of flab spent most of the “match” gasping for air and moving at the speed of idle while slack-jawed hilljacks guffawed and jeered, naively believing that a great big fat guy can be dropped on his neck repeatedly and suffer no real injuries.  But today’s wrestlers truly are athletes, even though they’re performing rather than competing, and the fans are now almost too clued in that this is entertainment rather than sport.  Some of the choreography executed by today’s wrestlers is truly incredible, and it often compels me to rewind and pause the DVR and call my wife in to watch whatever sick double reverse corkscrew moonsault Evan Bourne just pulled off, after which she’ll frequently give me an unenthusiastic “Yeah, that’s great” with requisite eye roll.  I imagine her lack of enthusiasm stems from the daily dresser-top elbow drops she took from her brothers growing up.

Certainly it’s hard to be a wrestling fan.  Because just when you think the “sport” has turned a corner and its focus has shifted to athletics and agility, they wind up doing some storyline where an 80-year-old woman gives birth to a hand (which honestly was a World Wrestling Entertainment storyline).  It’s hard to justify watching something that lowbrow, although less so these days with The Kardashians on the air…not to mention anything on VH1. 

Fortunately this week’s feature, The Wrestler, contains no hands birthed, no necrophilia, no kissing of bare butts, and no castration, all of which have been actual pro wrestling plotlines.  What The Wrestler does feature is an incredibly authentic and Oscar nominated performance from Mickey Rourke and an emotionally captivating story of a former pro wrestler clinging to his long lost glory.

Rourke plays Randy “The Ram” Robinson, once a world-famous wrestler known for his high flying “Ram Jam” finisher and legendary match against The Ayatollah.  Now 20 years later and far from fame’s spotlight, he works part time at a supermarket where he nearly has to beg for hours from a snide dweeb of a boss that Randy knows he could snap in two seemingly with a stern look.  But, as we soon learn, he needs the job because he can barely afford the rusty trailer he currently rents, so he really can’t indulge in breaking his boss into tiny pieces.

Randy still wrestles small shows on the weekends, and it’s early in the film at one of these shows where it’s hammered home just how much Randy misses the notoriety he once enjoyed.  Still revered by his fellow performers, we watch as Randy’s joints creak and pop and grind through his pre-match stretches while he and his opponent discuss the planned format for their upcoming match.  It’s a genuine look into the locker room camaraderie of small time and has-been wrestlers, a unique atmosphere of nostalgia, enthusiasm and sadness.

Randy’s life is paralleled by his stripper friend Cassidy (Marisa Tomei in an Oscar-nominated role) who, now in her 40s, is the oldest dancer at her club and always overshadowed by the younger girls.  Cassidy is the closest thing Randy has to a friend, though she keeps him at a distance and still charges him for lap dances…which is worth it, by the way, because Marisa Tomei is still smokin’ hot and incredibly appealing to balding, dumpy guys like me since her turn on Seinfeld a while back.

After a particularly brutal match, Randy’s age and poor lifestyle get the better of him, forcing him into full retirement and prompting him to try and reconcile with his adult daughter Stephanie (Evan Rachel Wood).  Stephanie is still pretty grumpy with Randy because he spent most of her childhood traveling the country and being thrown through folding tables.  I’d imagine it would be tough for a child knowing their father would rather be cracked in the melon with a steel chair than share their 5^th-year birthday cake.  Such is the temptation of fame, I suppose.  So can The Ram stay retired, or will he risk his daughter, friend and very life for one last turn in the spotlight?

I’ve never much cared for Mickey Rourke before, but his performance here was as raw and convincing and powerful as any I’ve seen, and it’s easily the best of his career.  His Randy is a tragic character who can’t seem to see an hour beyond the present, and even without flashbacks you can easily see how his shortsightedness and poor choices landed him in the gutter, much like my shortsightedness and poor choices have left me “paying off” $25k in credit card debt by writing a column for free.

But much like the Randy “The Ram” Robinson, I don’t do it for the money.  The notoriety’s the thing.  And now that I’m known the world over by tens of people, it’s surely only a matter of decades before this article becomes a cash cow and I can comfortably retire.  Besides, I still have it better than pro wrestlers because I don’t have another guy’s sweaty crotch in my face…too often.    

Email me your wrestling trivia, praise or ridicule at dudeviews@yahoo.com.  

Until next time, the Dude is not in. 

• Movie:  The Wrestler
• Genre:  Drama           
• Rating:  R
• Running Time: 109 minutes
• Dude’s Rating:  Hearty Round of Applause

(Dude “The Sloth” Brockhaus lives in New Haven, IN, with his three children and wife Mackenzie, all of whom are terribly, and rightfully, embarrassed when he does the Degeneration X crotch chop.)

     Dude’s Rating Scale

• Standing Ovation
• Hearty Round of Applause
• Golf Clap
• “Meh” and a Shoulder Shrug
• Booed
• Lustily Booed and Pelted with Garbage