Nick Uecker will remain in the District 3 Smith-Green School board seat he was appointed to just weeks ago after defeating Adam Cartwright, 958-897 in Tuesday’s election.

Uecker said he was “very, very glad” when he heard the results. “I just hope I can live up to everyone’s expectations,” he said late Tuesday night.

Locally, the Republicans could claim a sweep, but across the nation, that was not the case.

There was dancing and jubilation in the streets as it was announced that Barack Obama had won the election. In Chicago, it was estimated that more than a million people gathered to hear Obama’s celebratory speech. Among the crowd stood many well-known African American  leaders as well as celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, Spike Lee and Brad Pitt.

Obama moved many in the crowd to tears as he said, “I see you and I need your help.”

“The road will be steep, but I promise … we, as a people, will get there.”

He praised John McCain and said he was looking forward to working with the war hero who had always fought valiantly for his country.

He told his two young daughters that they had earned a new puppy to take to their new home in the White House. He also thanked his wife, Michelle, who he called “the love of my life” and recognized his grandmother - who recently passed away.

At 1:30 a.m. the presidential race in Indiana was still too close to call. But that didn’t matter to many.

Several Churubusco students living in Bloomington and attending Indiana University said the campus and Bloomington in general erupted in celebration - complete with fireworks and “lots of yelling, screaming and tears of joy,” after it was announced that Obama had gathered the electoral votes needed to win the election. Hundreds of I.U. students gathered around Bloomington throughout the day in election watch parties and also were featured throughout the evening on NBC.

Following are the Whitley County and Smith Township results:

WHITLEY COUNTY ELECTION RESULTS:

Machine ballots: Machine Ballots - 11686

Number of precincts reported 33 of 34 - (As of midnight, Richland South was not yet in);

Absentee Ballots - 3712

Registered voters, 72.04%

President and Vice President
60.00% John McCain (R)
38.55% Barack Obama (D)
1.22% Bob Barr (L)
0.23% Write-In

Governor and Lieutenant Governor
60.44% Mitch Daniels (R)
37.39% Jill Long Thompson (D)
2.14% Andy Horning (L)
0.03% Write-In

Attorney General
55.53% Greg Zoeller (R)
44.47% Linda Pence (D)

Superintendent of Public Instruction
61.75% Tony Bennett (R)
38.21% Richard D. Wood (D)
0.04% Write-In
U.S. Rep District 3

55.74% Mark Edward Souder (R)
38.25% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
6.02% William R. Larsen (L)

State Rep District 50
100.00% Dan J. Leonard (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

State Rep District 83
64.73% Matt Bell (R)
31.80% Steven B. Heaston (D)
3.47% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

County Treasurer
100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

County Coroner
100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

County Surveyor
No Candidate Filed (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

County Commissioner District 1
60.52% Tom Rethlake (R)
39.48% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

County Commissioner District 3
100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

County Council At-Large
27.76% Jim Banks (R)
27.20% Bill Overdeer (R)
27.26% Thomas Western (R)
17.78% Cliff Crance (D)

Smith-Green School District 1
No Candidate Filed

Smith-Green School District 2
100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

Smith-Green School District 3
48.36% Adam Cartwright
51.64% Nicholas B. Uecker

Whitley Co School Columbia City
39.66% Christopher A. Bechtold
16.44% Eric Horvath
43.90% Stanley E. Meyer

Whitley County School Corp Etna
44.00% Donald L. Smith
56.00% Jill E. Western

Whitley County School Corporation Jefferson
100.00% Steven J. Hively
Whitley County School Corporation Union
59.30% Deborah G. Hiss
40.70% Mark Roach

Whitley County School Corp Washington
100.00% James Renbarger
Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 1053; Libertarian Party 4; Republican Party 2492.

SMITH WEST ELECTION SUMMARY:

Machine Ballots - M Absentee Ballots - A

REGISTERED VOTERS: 79.44%

President and Vice President
Machine Ballots-Absentee ballots-Total votes-Percentage-Name of candidate

230-60-290-68.88%-John McCain (R)
89-35-124-29.45% Barack Obama (D)
1.43% Bob Barr (L)

0.24% Write-In

VOTES 408 Governor and Lieutenant Governor
M A Votes %

222-56-278-8.14%-Mitch Daniels (R)
91 33 124 30.39% Jill Long Thompson (D)
5 1 6 1.47% Andy Horning (L)

VOTES- 386 Attorney General
M A Votes %

185-48-233-60.36%-Greg Zoeller (R)
114 39 153 39.64% Linda Pence (D)

VOTES- 363 Superintendent of Public Instruction

196 51 247 68.04% Tony Bennett (R)
82 34 116 31.96% Richard D. Wood (D)

VOTES- 410 U.S. Rep District 3
M A Votes %

199 48 247 60.24% Mark Edward Souder (R)
99 35 134 32.68% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
21 8 29 7.07% William R. Larsen (L)

VOTES= 392 State Rep District 83
M A Votes %

217 57 274 69.90% Matt Bell (R)
74 27 101 25.77% Steven B. Heaston (D)
14 3 17 4.34% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

VOTES= 339 County Treasurer VOTE FOR 1
264 75 339 100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES- 331 County Coroner
256 75 331 100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES- 0 County Surveyor
No Candidate Filed (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 382 County Commissioner District 1
203 62 265 69.37% Tom Rethlake (R)
90 27 117 30.63% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

VOTES- 346 County Commissioner District 3
267 79 346 100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES- 922 County Council At-Large
M A Votes %

200 64 264 28.63% Jim Banks (R)
194 65 259 28.09% Bill Overdeer (R)
193 65 258 27.98% Thomas Western (R)
109 32 141 15.29% Cliff Crance (D)

VOTES- 0 Smith-Green School District - No Candidate Filed

VOTES- 296 Smith-Green School District 2
226 70 296 100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

VOTES- 340 Smith-Green School District 3
136 43 179 52.65% Adam Cartwright
128 33 161 47.35% Nicholas B. Uecker

Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 13; Libertarian Party 0; Republican Party 81.

SMITH SOUTH:

M- Machine Ballots (295)

A- Absentee Ballots (78) REGISTERED VOTERS: 71.18%

VOTES- 370 President and Vice President
M A Votes %

188 36 224 60.54% John McCain (R)
101 40 141 38.11% Barack Obama (D)
4 1 5 1.35% Bob Barr (L)

VOTES- 357 Governor and Lieutenant Governor

M A Votes %
175 42 217 60.78% Mitch Daniels (R)
99 33 132 36.97% Jill Long Thompson (D)
6 2 8 2.24% Andy Horning (L)

VOTES= 345 Attorney General
M A Votes %

147 38 185 53.62% Greg Zoeller (R)
125 35 160 46.38% Linda Pence (D)

VOTES= 341 Superintendent of Public Instruction
175 36 211 61.88% Tony Bennett (R)
93 37 130 38.12% Richard D. Wood (D)

VOTES= 360 U.S. Rep District 3
173 36 209 58.06% Mark Edward Souder (R)
90 37 127 35.28% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
20 4 24 6.67% William R. Larsen (L)

VOTES= 352 State Rep District 83
M A Votes %

186 37 223 63.35% Matt Bell (R)
79 37 116 32.95% Steven B. Heaston (D)
11 2 13 3.69% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

VOTES= 288 County Treasurer
235 53 288 100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 286 County Coroner
234 52 286 100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 0 County Surveyor

No Candidate Filed (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 345 County Commissioner District
M A Votes %

174 39 213 61.74% Tom Rethlake (R)
98 34 132 38.26% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

VOTES= 288 County Commissioner District 3
233 55 288 100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 800 County Council At-Large
183 39 222 27.75% Jim Banks (R)
181 38 219 27.38% Bill Overdeer (R)
177 43 220 27.50% Thomas Western (R)
102 37 139 17.38% Cliff Crance (D)

VOTES= 0 Smith-Green School District - No Candidate Filed

VOTES= 248 Smith-Green School District 2
M A Votes %

201 47 248 100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

VOTES= 284 Smith-Green School District 3
117 22 139 48.94% Adam Cartwright
111 34 145 51.06% Nicholas B. Uecker

Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 36; Libertarian Party 0; Republican Party 76.

SMITH NORTHWEST:

M-Machine Ballots (570) A-Absentee Ballots 77 REGISTERED VOTERS: 67.47%

VOTES= 639 President and Vice President
M A Votes %

347 43 390 61.03% John McCain (R)
204 33 237 37.09% Barack Obama (D)
10 0 10 1.56% Bob Barr (L)
1 1 2 0.31% Write-In

VOTES= 628 Governor and Lieutenant Governor
346 50 396 63.06% Mitch Daniels (R)
197 20 217 34.55% Jill Long Thompson (D)
10 5 15 2.39% Andy Horning (L)

VOTES= 606 Attorney General
M A Votes %

294 44 338 55.78% Greg Zoeller (R)
238 30 268 44.22% Linda Pence (D)

VOTES= 592 Superintendent of Public Instruction
332 45 377 63.68% Tony Bennett (R)
189 26 215 36.32% Richard D. Wood (D)

VOTES= 634 U.S. Rep District 3
313 47 360 56.78% Mark Edward Souder (R)
206 28 234 36.91% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
38 2 40 6.31% William R. Larsen (L)

VOTES= 613 State Rep District 83

M A Votes %
353 44 397 64.76% Matt Bell (R)
163 27 190 31.00% Steven B. Heaston (D)
22 4 26 4.24% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

VOTES= 515 County Treasurer
455 60 515 100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 520 County Coroner
460 60 520 100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 0 County Surveyor
No Candidate Filed (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 595 County Commissioner District 1
329 47 376 63.19% Tom Rethlake (R)
191 28 219 36.81% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

VOTES= 498 County Commissioner District 3
441 57 498 100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 1,389 County Council At-Large
350 48 398 28.65% Jim Banks (R)
342 44 386 27.79% Bill Overdeer (R)
317 40 357 25.70% Thomas Western (R)
220 28 248 17.85% Cliff Crance (D)

VOTES= 0 Smith-Green School District 1 - No Candidate Filed

VOTES= 450 Smith-Green School District 2
401 49 450 100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

VOTES= 505 Smith-Green School District 3
205 34 239 47.33% Adam Cartwright
244 22 266 52.67% Nicholas B. Uecker

Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 53; Libertarian Party 0; Republican Party 134.

SMITH NORTHEAST:

M- Machine Ballots 487 A- Absentee Ballots REGISTERED VOTERS: 72.65%

VOTES= 558 President and Vice President
M A Votes %

292 37 329 58.96% John McCain (R)
183 36 219 39.25% Barack Obama (D)
8 1 9 1.61% Bob Barr (L)
1 1 0.18% Write-In

VOTES= 549 Governor and Lieutenant Governor
291 37 328 59.74% Mitch Daniels (R)
163 36 199 36.25% Jill Long Thompson (D)
21 1 22 4.01% Andy Horning (L)

VOTES= 528 Attorney General
263 40 303 57.39% Greg Zoeller (R)
193 32 225 42.61% Linda Pence (D)

VOTES= 514 Superintendent of Public Instruction
282 43 325 63.23% Tony Bennett (R)
158 31 189 36.77% Richard D. Wood (D)

VOTES= 553 U.S. Rep District 3
270 32 302 54.61% Mark Edward Souder (R)
167 41 208 37.61% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
41 2 43 7.78% William R. Larsen (L)

VOTES= 537 State Rep District 83
321 44 365 67.97% Matt Bell (R)
125 28 153 28.49% Steven B. Heaston (D)
17 2 19 3.54% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

VOTES= 444 County Treasurer
390 54 444 100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 441 County Coroner
388 53 441 100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 0 County Surveyor
No Candidate Filed (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 523 County Commissioner District 1
298 42 340 65.01% Tom Rethlake (R)
152 31 183 34.99% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

VOTES= 443 County Commissioner District 3
391 52 443 100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 1,207 County Council At-Large
290 49 339 28.09% Jim Banks (R)
291 44 335 27.75% Bill Overdeer (R)
274 48 322 26.68% Thomas Western (R)
180 31 211 17.48% Cliff Crance (D)

VOTES= 0 Smith-Green School District 1
No Candidate Filed

VOTES= 394 Smith-Green School District 2
349 45 394 100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

VOTES= 443 Smith-Green School District 3
167 20 187 42.21% Adam Cartwright
228 28 256 57.79% Nicholas B. Uecker

Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 41; Libertarian Party 0; Republican Party 103.

SMITH-EAST:

M-Machine Ballots (294) A-Absentee Ballots (50) REGISTERED VOTERS: 70.49%

VOTES= 339 President and Vice President
166 31 197 58.11% John McCain (R)
121 17 138 40.71% Barack Obama (D)
3 0 3 0.88% Bob Barr (L)
1 0 1 0.29% Write-In

VOTES= 328 Governor and Lieutenant Governor
160 25 185 56.40% Mitch Daniels (R)
114 21 135 41.16% Jill Long Thompson (D)
7 0 7 2.13% Andy Horning (L)
0 1 1 0.30% Write-In

VOTES= 317 Attorney General
144 25 169 53.31% Greg Zoeller (R)
128 20 148 46.69% Linda Pence (D)

VOTES= 313 Superintendent of Public Instruction
171 27 198 63.26% Tony Bennett (R)
95 20 115 36.74% Richard D. Wood (D)

VOTES= 336 U.S. Rep District 3
153 31 184 54.76% Mark Edward Souder (R)
112 17 129 38.39% Michael A. (Mike) Montagano (D)
23 0 23 6.85% William R. Larsen (L)

VOTES= 324 State Rep District 83
161 33 194 59.88% Matt Bell (R)
100 14 114 35.19% Steven B. Heaston (D)
16 0 16 4.94% Herbert (Jack) Evans (L)

VOTES= 273 County Treasurer
238 35 273 100.00% Lisa A. Richmond (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 273 County Coroner
237 36 273 100.00% Scott A. Smith (R)
0 0 0 0 0.00% No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 0 County Surveyor
No Candidate Filed (R)

No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 312 County Commissioner District 1
158 27 185 59.29% Tom Rethlake (R)
110 17 127 40.71% Timothy D. Hearld (D)

VOTES= 267 County Commissioner District 3
229 38 267 100.00% Don Amber (R)
No Candidate Filed (D)

VOTES= 759 County Council At-Large
181 30 211 27.80% Jim Banks (R)
173 33 206 27.14% Bill Overdeer (R)
159 31 190 25.03% Thomas Western (R)
133 19 152 20.03% Cliff Crance (D)

VOTES= 0 Smith-Green School District 1
No Candidate Filed

VOTES= 260 Smith-Green School District 2
223 37 260 100.00% Steven Lee Edwards

VOTES= 283 Smith-Green School District 3
136 17 153 54.06% Adam Cartwright
108 22 130 45.94% Nicholas B. Uecker

Straight Party Summary Information - Democratic Party 19; Libertarian Party 0; Republican Party 59.

For more Whitley County Precinct information or summaries go to elections.whitleynet.org.

(Warning: This is the Web! Full of vile and disgusting stuff. Turn back now if you are offended by the words ass, politician, uterus,Tijuana, titmouse, betcha, Republican, cabbagehead, betcha ass or Democrat.)

The day after john McCain picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, my brother asked me why I was not running for vice president.

After all, he said:

By Viv Sade

1) I have more local government experience (three terms on a town council),

2) I have just as many skeletons in the closet. You betcha. (wink)

3) I too, think Iran and Iraq are the same country.

4) I was once, for a few months, an unwed pregnant teenager.

5) I have just as much foreign policy diplomacy experience if we can count that drunken overnight trip to Tijuana, Mexico in 1971, - which by the way, was unrelated to #4 - but, most importantly …

6) Can I skin an elk?

Sure, I have been known to blow off some mommy stress and shoot up some s$#! with an assault rifle, but who has not?

Well, geesh, that got me to thinking, I am a staunch Obama supporter, but hey, it’s hard staying afloat on this Obama island in Red Whitley County.

Should I rethink my vote? After all - as one female acquaintance of mine pointed out - Palin and I both have uteruses.

Is uteruses a word?

So, now I’m expected to vote for uteruses? Doesn’t that mean if I vote for a man, I’m voting for —-s?

Does that mean there are people in America actually voting genitalia over qualifications?

Shouldn’t we all be very, very scared?

Although, I do have four kids, a pair of wireless glasses, and tend to wear my hair in a messy updo that looks like a busy soccer mom, a la Palin. I’m not a busy soccer mom - I’m a lazy and poor mom.

Got the messy updo - now where do I find a pair of those black suede boots?

The difference is Palin doesn’t have time to go to the hairdresser -whereas I don’t have the money. Which throws me back in the Obama Camp, where - if he wins - Obama has promised to take Paris Hilton’s cash and redistribute it to me and my hairdresser and buy me a new do and my hairdresser a new curing iron. We can’t wait.

This debacle of an election and politics of fear have made Americans crazy.

Winston Churchill had this to say about elections: “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Jerry Seinfeld had this to say: “People - they’re the worst.”

Both were correct.

We’ve got everyday people - intelligent people - who go all wacko every four years during a presidential election.

A woman told me in confidence the other day that if I don’t vote for a particular candidate, … blah, blah, blah … well, I’m not sure what she said - I quit listening after she said something about angry stemcells collecting weapons of mass destruction - but this is what I heard: “a throng of same-sex Socialist aliens armed with assault rifles will move into my upstairs where they will drill for oil and take over our lives, taxing our underwear, double-taxing naughty underwear, forcing us to buy worthless stock with our unemployment checks and making us drink processed fossil fuels until the ice caps melt and we all drown in a sea of disgraced Republicans, demoralized Democrats, skinned Alaskan elk, discarded SUVs and dying, but still arrogant oil barons …”

Or something like that.

All this has raised some serious questions that everyone needs to ask before going to the polls Tuesday.

Maybe not quite as many skeletons in the closet as Palin, but there was that one night with the King.

Questions like:

Am I voting for the candidate of my choice or the choice of my candidate?

Or the choice of my candidate’s choice?

And is my choice the candidate of choice?

Or even the choicest candidate?

Does my candidate have a uterus or … Yikes! … something else?

Where can I get a pair of those kick-@$$ black suede boots Palin wears on the campaign trail?
Or, will Barack take the boots from Gloria Vanderbilt’s feet and give them to me if he wins?

Is Cindy McCain a freshly-manufactured Stepford Wife?

Is Barack Obama’s father really Darth Vader?

Did Sarah Palin name her children - Piper, Track, Willow, Trig and Bristol - while still under the influence of birth-giving, mind-enhancing Demerol?

If elected vice president, I would give everyone one meeellion dollars.

If she has more, will they be named Ceilingtile, Betcha, Obgyn (pronounced like R2D2), Cellulite or Wink?

If McCain and Joe the Plumber are traveling in Air Force One from Washington, D.C. to Los Angeles, Calif., how many hours until Joe loses his 15 minutes of fame?

If Delaware separates from the Continental shelf and floats into the Atlantic because of some unknown fault line, will Joe Biden still have his gig as senator?

Did Obama really stack wooden blocks with a Turkish toddler terrorist when they were both two-years-old and attending the Hawaiian Preschool for Future Leaders?

It’s getting so ridiculous on Capitol Hill that the only vote that would bring some kind of relief is Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

But as a lifetime member of Hope-A-Holics Anonymous, I’m not giving up on the system just yet. I’m tough and have been through tougher times.

And, I’m pretty sure I could skin an elk.

The question is, why would I want to?

I have perfected a technique for raising children called Post It parenting.

Throughout all four of my childrens’ upbringing, I was raising them by the “letter” or, in my case - letters. During the last several years - when my youngest two were teens - I was a single parent working two jobs, and we often communicated with notes left on the kitchen table. During the summer months - when the kids were home from school - those notes became epic novels.

Boys,

Keep the house clean. Don’t leave. All towels are MIA. FIND THEM and put them in the washer. All of the drinking glasses and cups are missing. FIND THEM and wash them and put them in the cupboard. See if Grandma needs her lawn mowed. If you mow it, don’t take any money for doing it. Has anyone seen my CD player? It’s missing. Love you guys. Be good. Be respectful. Stay home.

Mom

P.S. Warning: Threat ahead … find all towels and glasses or no allowances this week!

Mom,

I HAD to leave cause the guys were jammin at Steve-O’s. I gotta be there. They need a bass player. There are no towels in my room. There may be some in the trunk of my car. I’ll check later. All the glasses from my room are in the sink. Ben has the rest in his room. He has all the towels too, I think. Had no time to wash the dishes cause we’re jammin. Can I borrow $10 for gas? I’ll pay you back when I get paid. Promise. Love you,

Chris

P.S. I think Ben took your CD player. He always takes my stuff. He’s dumm.

Mom,

I mowed Grandma’s lawn, so I didn’t have time to get the towels and glasses. Chris didn’t do anything. He’s lazy. And dummer. I do everything. A bunch of us are going to Hooters cause we don’t have to be 21 to eat the wings. Can I have $10 for the wings? I’ll pay you back. Promise. I think your CD player is at Harpo’s house. I didn’t take it there. Chris probably did.

Ben

P.S. Grandma MADE me take $10.

Boys,

Chris - Get those towels out of your car!! No jammin with Steve-O until your room is clean enough to eat off of the floor - okay, clean enough that you can at least SEE the floor. And don’t take the amps outside when you jam, because the neighbors will call the cops again. If you’re going to call someone dumb, learn how to spell it. Better yet, learn how to spell it, but don’t call anyone that.

Ben - Stop taking my white socks!! And it’s d-u-m-b-e-r. Speaking of dumb, no going to Hooters. The buffalo wings - among other things - are not real. Why, pray tell, does Harpo have my CD player? Get it back! And give that $10 back to Grandma!

Love you guys. Be careful. Stay home. Be good. Be respectful.

Mom

Mom,

Can I go to the Diseased Tongues & Lips concert in Chicago Sunday? I’ll clean my room. Promise. Can I borrow $65 for the ticket? I’ll pay you back. Promise. All the towels are back in the bathroom. Also, I need gas money for the trip. Please? I love you. A bunch of us are going, but not Ben or his friends. They’re not DUMB - they are stupid.

Chris

Mom,

All my socks are gone. Chris stole them. He’s a BUT! Went to Hooter’s. Kidding. HA HA  I HAD to leave and go watch Beavis and Buthead with Harpo and Mel. Took $2 out of change jar. I’ll pay you back. Promise. I need to practice pairahell parking for my driver’s license test. Tomorrow? Did you hid the pop? Where? Love,

Ben

Boys,

Chris - CHICAGO?! Are you crazy? Don’t call your brother stupid. And for $65 a ticket shouldn’t it be Stix instead of the Dead Lips & Taste Buds or whoever? We’ll talk about this later, but I think … NOT. If you have Ben’s socks, give them back. He’s resorted to stealing mine. Do your own laundry. Feed the cat.  Love you. Be good.

Ben - Butt has two t’s, BUT don’t call your brother a butt. I hide the pop so you don’t drink a case every day. Look up the meaning of “hide” in the Webster’s. Is Mel a girl? Remember, no dating until you are 16. Stay away from the money jar and from Mel if it’s a girl. We’ll talk more about the dangers of parking when you practice PARALLEL parking tomorrow. Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful. Love,

Mom

Mom,

Stix who? If you are going to call people sticks, learn how to spell it. I can drive to Chicago. I got a map. I will be 18 next month and you were married and having a baby when you were 18, so I should be able to go to a concert. Please? I’ll be good. And respectful. I will take Ben and his weeny friends. I won’t have a baby or get married. Can I borrow $20 for gas? I think Ben stole my money. I’ll pay you back. Promise. Love,

Chris

Mom,

Chris stole my new CD. I was going to listen to it on your CD player at Harpo’s, but it’s GONE! He’s a BUTT with two T’s. Mel is a guy. Harpo is a girl. HA Kidding. I found the pop in the dryer when I was looking for some towels. I only drank two, but Chris drank all the rest. I have to leave and go to the mall. I’ll be good. Who’s Webster? Love,

Ben

Boys,

The house is a disaster! Stay home and clean it! I mean it! Feed the cat, too.

Chris - I was married and having a baby, but I was three weeks shy of turning 19 and I was never allowed to drive to a concert in Chicago. Gas money? Where’s your check? Don’t you already owe me? We’ll talk about this later. Love ya.

Ben - I found your new CD - the one you accused your brother of stealing - in my sock drawer! Someone drank ALL of the pop. Saying butt with two t’s makes it no less offensive. You need to be more responsible. Look up responsible in the Webster’s in your remedial summer school class. Love ya.

Mom

P.S. Keep the house clean. Stay home. Be good. Be respectful We’re out of glasses and towels again. Find them! Wash them!

(Viv Sade is a writer and reporter and the 2007 winner of Best Personal Column in the daily newspaper division from Hoosier State Press Association. She often spends entire days pondering the hives-less and nervous tic-free lifestyle of her childless friends.)

Grandma’s diary:A little nervous about this week-long babysitting gig in Florida. They only see me a few times a year. What if they don’t like me? What if some crazed methhead - I hear Florida is fairly crawling with crazed methheads - tries to get us while I’m taking the kids for a walk? I’m not a young woman. I can’t outrun a methhead. Hell, I can’t even outrun my 81-year-old friend and she’s in a wheelchair.

Two-year-old girl’s diary: Who is this Bamma Biv woman and why is she here? Why are mom and dad packing a bag? I don’t like this … Hmm … may be time for Operation Needy Toddler.

Six-year-old boy’s diary: Excellent! Grandma Biv’s here and mom and dad are leaving. I can tell her how they never buy me anything I need and she will take me shopping. I can tell her our kindergarten class is closed this week so the teachers can go to Disney World. I can tell her I never go to sleep before midnight and I drink a soda every night before bed.

Dog’s diary: Woof! Woof! (Feed me! Feed me!)

Grandma’s diary: First night - Got NO sleep. The baby was up all night and would only sleep if I was constantly in the rocker next to her bed. Ugh … got a stiff neck and a back ache. I’m not a young woman. Every time I thought she was asleep and tried to creep out, she would suddenly wake up and yell: “Bamma Biv! Where are you going? Bamma Biv, stay here!” It’s amazing how well she vocalizes her needs. I swear that kid came out of the womb not only talking, but shouting instructions to the doctor. She said she HAD to have her “passy” to sleep. I know she’s supposed to be weaned of pacifiers, but I found an old one in the cupboard and well, it’s only for a week. Really, what can it hurt? And, I can’t bear to tell that little face no. And there’s no need for mom and dad to know about this … what happens with Grandma stays with Grandma. I let the 6-year-old stay up and watch a children’s movie until midnight. But I made sure it was age appropriate. We had pizza at midnight and fed the leftovers to the dog.

Two-year-old girl’s diary: Wow. She’s more of a pushover than I thought. This will be fun. I cajoled four Scooby Doo fruit snacks out of her today. Mom only lets me have one. Kept her up all night, but it was her fault. She did not put Baby Pink in bed on my pillow and Big Blue Elephant in bed by my feet. And she turned off the little light, which makes the Monster in the closet come out and sit in the corner by my bed. How can I sleep when Monster’s in the room?! No wonder I’ve reverted back to my passy. I’m going to tell Grandma I need TWO passys.

Dog’s diary: Woof! Woof!

Six-year-old boy’s diary: I told Grandma I drink soda every night before bed and she gave me one! She took me shopping for my birthday and bought me the coolest pocketknife ever! Tomorrow I will tell her I need new construction materials to build something in the back yard, even though dad just bought me some stuff. You can never have too much ’struction stuff. But Grandma always misses the turns when she is driving. She needs to stay about 100 weeks ‘cause we keep turning around an awful lot of times. Grandmas drive funny.

Grandma’s diary: Well, I know the boy thinks he got one over on grandma, but I knew he wasn’t allowed to have two sodas before bed. I let him have only one. How could I say no to that face? And the pocketknife I bought him can be out only when an adult is around. Although I’m not real sure where it is at this moment. He did tell me that he needs more safety cones and safety flashers for something he is building in the back yard. Who knew those things were $20 each?! But he has to have them for a kindergarten project, and this is his chance to work on the project because apparently they canceled classes all this week. The baby is now sucking on one passy continuously and carrying a spare. We had to go to the store for the third time and stock up on Scooby Doo fruit snacks. She told me they help her sleep. Whatever it takes. Maybe I can just somehow get ahold of the passys and hide them before mom and dad come home. Along with the pocketknife. Shoot, I meant to dull those edges before I gave it to him. Mom and dad due home tomorrow. I think I was supposed to feed the dog only once a day, but I kept forgetting if I fed him and he would stand by his bowl and cock his head and give me that look - how could I say no to that face? - so I would give him more. I think he’s put on weight since I got here - oh yeah, he’s definitely fatter..

Dog’s diary: Woof! Woof!

Viv Sade is a reporter for Buscovoice.com and is no longer allowed to babysit for her grandchildren for any extended period of time.

I’ve decided to run for president.

Come on - everyone else is.

All I have to do is outsmart Obama and outlive McCain.

My platform? Health care for every American!

Right now you are shaking your head and asking,” What the h#@&?”

But, stick with me here …

Some Americans have health care coverage through their companies, which they can get for only $12,980 a month. That’s only for an individual policy - to add a family is $99,087 a month. The problem with these types of company-based insurance plans comes into play whenever the consumer tries to file an actual claim.

Insurance companies hate that.

Just send the premium, dammit.

What Viv might look like in jail

Let’s say, for example, you have a gaping chest wound after falling from a stepladder onto a garden rake you left prongs-up in the driveway, or that you were just stabbed at a party after getting caught helping the host’s spouse “make the bed,” whatever … the average insurance company will immediately reject any claims for sutures, anesthesia, an operating room or a doctor, because these items are “cosmetic,” and not really necessary.

However, lacking any sense of logic, they will sometimes pay for the quart of whiskey you down to kill the pain.

Here’s my plan:

Since a member of the military or a member of the penal system gets free health care, the best way to get a comprehensive health care plan is to join the Marines or get thrown in jail.

Joining the military requires hard work, dedication, excruciating fitness routines, going weeks without sleep, getting harassed and being intimidated, being tough, eating bad mess hall chow and being brave, not to mention putting your life on the line.

Getting thrown in jail just takes drinking one too many Bud Lites and then urinating in public.

You decide.

Be careful though, when picking your health care crime. Some hard-core felonies require a minimum sentence of 20 years. You don’t want that. You’ll be dead in less than 20 years from whatever illness landed you there in the first place. Don’t overkill, so to speak.

The trick is to incorporate a wellness prison plan that fits your lifestyle and your predisposition to diabetes, heart disease or ingrown hairs in your ears.

Let’s say a person has a diseased gall bladder that needs to come out within the next three months, and minimum medical costs are somewhere around $12,000. Or, with “cosmetic” anesthesia - $15,000.
With careful planning - and no prior adult criminal history - there are a number of crimes that will net you three months in the slammer - time not only for the operation, but the recovery, as well.

A good gall bladder health plan consists of combining public intoxication with resisting law enforcement.

If you are squeaky clean, though, you run the chance of being let off the hook with no jail time and only a year of probation. People in that category will have to commit additional crimes of say, possession of paraphernalia (go ahead, dig out that old bong from the 70’s) and/or child endangerment (or have your 14-year-old dig it out).

I am on the cancer plan.

Having been diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago, I already know that the only two things my insurance company covers in the event of any kind of cancer are the casket and the wreath.

A better bet would be for me to go with the 6-8 year prison wellness plan (PWP as opposed to PHP).

The second I feel a lump, I will be carjacking that brand new 2008 Chrysler Town & Country limited front-wheel drive LWB passenger van my neighbor is tooling around in.

And because I have a clean record, I will fill up the gas tank soon thereafter and go for a quick “drive-off.”

Those are Class B and Class D felonies, which, according to Indiana law, are punishable by 6-20 years and three months to 6 years, respectively.

Enough time for chemo and radiation and to make those quilts I promised the kids years ago.

(Viv Sade is a writer and reporter. Her long list of former friends now include those who work in the insurance industry.)