Dude here.

It’s been a rough few weeks for ol’ Duder, beginning with a family vacation during which my mom broke her arm, an illness that saw me put down faster than a Jew at a Don Rickles show, and a family tragedy involving my brother-in-law.  Needless to say, I haven’t felt much like writing comedy pieces lately.  Then a few days ago, in an effort to get back to some sense of life normalcy, I went back and read some of my old columns.  It wasn’t long before I realized they don’t really contain any comedy anyway, so getting back into it shouldn’t be too difficult.  So I combed through the stockpiled DVR programs that have been sitting there since September and I decided upon Appaloosa, a western featuring a litany of stars and hey-I-know-that-guys directed and co-written by Ed Harris.

Appaloosa features Harris as Virgil Cole, a gunman for hire who travels from town to town rounding up bad guys with sidekick Everett Hitch (Viggo Mortensen).  A quick voiceover catches us up on the history between Virgil and Everett as they ride into Appaloosa, where they have been summoned by the town council because the town marshal and his deputies have recently been gunned down by local villain Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons).  In typical Old West fashion, it takes about ten seconds before Virgil and Everett are blasting away some troublemakers in the local saloon while tossing out glib lines.  This, of course, leads to an early confrontation between Virgil and Bragg, which was one of my favorite parts of the film.  Soon after, a woman named Allison French (Renee Zellweger) arrives in town and catches the eye of Virgil.  But there may be more to Mrs. French than meets the eye – is she merely a liability for the lawmen, or is she a conniving strumpet looking for a powerful husband?  Eventually Bragg is brought in to face charges and answer for the death of the marshal and deputies, and that’s where the real action begins, complete with train hijackings, Native American skirmishes, gunfights and double crosses. 

Ed Harris is one of those guys that I’ll buy in just about any role.  He could play a 12-year-old girl scout and I’d believe in the character.  He’s good here in his most typical role as a grizzled, wise badass with little time or inclination for tomfoolery.  I also liked Viggo Mortensen’s performance, whose character here is the very definition of loyal.  The duo has a good onscreen chemistry whether playing allies or adversaries, as in 2005’s A History of Violence.  Plus, Mortensen is one of the few good Hollywood actors I can still enjoy because my wife doesn’t find him attractive…unless you’re talking Lord of the Rings, where she finds him otherworldly dreamy.  But I never watch those films anyway because they’re all wizard fights and munchkins and dorkazoidal nonsense. 

Jeremy Irons is solid as Bragg, whose character is more of a cocky weasel than a bloodthirsty gunslinger.  His early face-off with Harris is one of the best scenes of the film; intense and ominous.  I wish they’d spent a little more time on his character later in the film as there’s a plot development involving Bragg that seems rushed and unfocussed.  They certainly could have sacrificed a little screen time for Renee Zellweger’s character, easily the most grating character of the film.  Zellweger isn’t as annoying here as she can be when playing period piece women, but she was still bothersome.

 The film had me thinking about how I’d fare as an Old West character.  I certainly don’t see myself as a lawman, because I’m just not good with confrontation.  The one thing that kept me from being a cop today, besides the intense academy training that would certainly explode my heart, was that I could never envision pulling someone over and confronting their wrongdoing.  Plus, I’m incredibly lazy.  I’d never chase down a bad guy.  I mean, that’s why they give you a gun, right?  Actually, now that I think about it, maybe those things are the exact qualifications I need to be an Old West town marshal.  Because they always seem to be sitting around with their feet kicked up until they get word that there’s trouble at the General Store, at which point they grab their iron and start shooting.  Then again, I’d never have the stones to stand alone against a posse of outlaws.  And realistically, if a gunfight started I wouldn’t need a horse to be two states over by sundown.  So town marshal is out.

I don’t see myself as a gunslinging villain either.  I think I’d be more of a white collar crooked banker criminal type, if I ever had the stomach for it.  But I feel guilty and nauseous when I cheat at Monopoly.  And since I’m for gun control, it’s unlikely I’d have the means to develop into a prickly, sneering desperado itching to shoot saloon patrons at the drop of a hat.  Also, I’d never show up for the dusty street showdowns at high noon because (A) I’m late for everything and (B) I’m too much of a wuss.     

I certainly wouldn’t be a ranch hand, because I consider myself an inactivist and don’t believe in manual labor of any sort.  There was a time when I’d have been in the running for town drunk, but my drinking and horse trough bathing days are largely behind me.  I would have an interest in being the town prostitute but I don’t think I have the proper equipment, so the only thing left is bartender.  I think I could handle pouring drinks, and I’d be a pro at hiding when the fights started. 

Speaking of fights, there aren’t too many in Appaloosa.  There’s a deliberate pace to the film and it works well because the shootouts and conflicts that do occur seem more important.  But viewers expecting a butt-kicking, shoot-em-up western may be disappointed, because much of the film is focused on the relationships between Virgil, Everett and Allie French.  Stay tuned through the credits for the comedy of Ed Harris singing “You’ll Never Leave My Heart,” a song he wrote co-wrote with composer Jeff Beal.  It had my dog howling.

You can always email me your praise or ridicule at dudeviews@yahoo.com.  

Until next time, the Dude is not in. 

• Movie:  Appaloosa
• Genre:  Western
• Rating:  R
• Running Time: 115 minutes
• Dude’s Rating:  Hearty Round of Applause

(Dude Brockhaus lives in New Haven, IN, with his wife Mackenzie and three little ranch hands.)

• Dude’s Rating Scale

• Standing Ovation
• Hearty Round of Applause
• Golf Clap
• “Meh” and a Shoulder Shrug
• Booed
• Lustily Booed and Pelted with Garbage